Two weeks into London — and I’m doing way too much thinking
July 24, 2015 § Leave a comment
For some reason, I thought that moving to London would be a new beginning. I would leave behind everything familiar in Melbourne and start afresh. I would be forged in this move, forced to assert myself and step well outside my comfort zone with none of the familiarities of home and none of the support.
In fact, the opposite has been true. Melbourne is a band-aid that I can’t remove. London has revealed people from my past that I’d been without for years because the distance seemed too great, our experiences too divergent. Now that we’re in the same hemisphere, it’s become clear that — though uprooted and displaced — we are all essentially as we were. The time that’s passed means nothing.
Moving away can be freeing because it provides you the space to become your truest self. You’re not tied to the expectations of people that knew you when. You can evolve as you wish, on a whim and as the wind changes — until something sticks. But what I’ve really enjoyed about the reunions I’ve had is realising that, despite this freedom, changes are subtle and small. We still relate to each other, just as slightly older versions of ourselves.
This is the first time that I’ve felt confident that I can accept the two parts of my life, where I am now and where I’ve left. Being here does not mean that I need to neatly divide one from the other; it was foolish to believe that I could.
Of course, admitting that, also means giving up on the idea that London is going to be altering in a way that home never could be. Maybe it was too much to ask that this move would bring with it great clarity and direction. I had few answers at home and I have no more here. That’s not to say that they won’t come, but I think that where I am may be inconsequential. There’s still a lot of grappling to be done.